Trust Issues
by EscapeArtist25
Summary: This story takes place in the Junior around episode 5. The main character (Jenny) is in a serious relationship with James but begins falling for Nathan, despite a gut feeling she has that he's bad news. Rated M for sexual content, although it's used very sparingly. Obviously all rights belong to Pixelberry.
1. Chapter 1

"Babe," James calls me from the kitchen, "I'm leaving now, I'll see you later!" I hear the door of our apartment shut behind him. He's going to a coffee shop to meet up with a potential new editor for a book he's working on so they can iron out some kinks. He invited me, but honestly, I need the alone time. I get dressed into one of James' t-shirts and some gym shorts, put my hair up in a messy bun, and then pour myself a glass of wine. Being careful to use a coaster because I know how crazy James gets about water rings, I set my wine glass on the coffee table and turn on the tv to watch The Crown and Flame marathon that's supposed to be running tonight.

Junior year is off to a rocky start. I still don't know who crashed into Tyler's car, my relationship with James is a little rocky since we're not used to living together, and now the guilt from the prank-gone-awry with Beau still really eats away at me. I had no idea what Beau was planning or I wouldn't have gone along with it, but maybe I shouldn't have gone along with it anyway. I take a sip of my wine, not even paying attention to what's going on on the screen. I'm too deep in thought. What is happening to me? I know the old Jenny would have confessed the truth to Claire right away, apologized for my part in it, and did whatever I could to make up for it. So why am I not doing that now? The reason behind why I think I've changed scares me even more: I think I might be trying to protect Nathan.

I try to focus on the tv, ignoring any texts I hear pinging on my phone, until eventually, there's a knock at the door. I open it with my left hand, holding my glass in my right. I nearly drop it when I see who it is. "Oh…hey." I tell him. He half-smiles at me in that way he does with his brooding eyes and perfect hair. "You weren't texting back so I thought I'd just come over."

"Nathan, how did you even know where I live?"

"I have my ways." He most definitely does. "Is James around?"

"No, he's out."

"Oh, good", he says, his eyes lingering on mine for just a little bit too long. I'm the first to break eye contact. "So…what's up?" He ignores my question and instead pushes past me and plops down on the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table. "WHOA!" I tell him, my wine almost sloshing over in my cup. He senses my panic and takes them off. "What?" He says, then realizing who my roommate and boyfriend is, "Oh, man you weren't kidding. He sounds like a tyrant."

"He's not", I say, defending James, though sometimes I do feel that way. He changes the subject. "Nice little set up you got here."

"What are you doing here Nathan?"

"Whoa, easy."  
"Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound rude. I'm just surprised." I look down and gesture at my wardrobe, "Obviously, I wasn't expecting company."

He gives me a once-over. "I hardly noticed. You're beautiful in anything you wear." My heart skips a beat, then sinks for the guilt.

"Well, look, I was gonna see if you wanted to go grab dinner or something. But like I said, you weren't texting back."  
"That's a little inappropriate considering I have a serious boyfriend." He gives me another mischievious smile. "Well, I wasn't asking you out on a date or anything, I just wanted to talk about some more evidence I found on Beau. And what to do about it." I think for a minute and look at the clock. It's 8 p.m. and James said he would be back a little after 9. "James will be back soon."

"So? Like I said, not a date. Unless you need permission."

It's almost like he knows exactly what to say to get me to agree to anything. "Give me a sec," I say, setting my wine glass down. I go into my bedroom and change into a loose-fitting racerback tanktop and some distressed jeans, but I leave my hair up. A few minutes later, we're in his car.

I stare out the window. Had it been anyone else, I wouldn't have agreed to come out. Like I said, I wanted the alone time. But there is just something about Nathan that scares me, excites me, and intrigues me at the same time, and I hate it. "You have to drop me back off at 9, no later." I say decisively. He looks at me. "No problem. There's a burger joint not far from here."

We pull up and he tells me to stay put, then he walks around to my side and presses a button, automatically opening my door for me. "Uh, thanks. That's fancy," I say, talking about his fancy sports car. "Yes it is." He says, leading the way. He opens the door for me and orders a combo for himself, then asks me what I want. I tell him I already ate, so he just orders me a strawberry shake and we sit down.

"So what did you want to talk about?" I ask him.

"Well," he begins, but I interrupt him. "…Concerning Beau?"

"I think he may have a personal vendetta against Claire."  
"What makes you say that?"

"Some of the other guys in the frarority were talking over beers, I guess he's had a thing for her this entire time."

"What? Why hasn't he said anything?"

"I'm not sure. I know his parents are very traditional about who he dates and his mom puts a lot of pressure on him to find the right match. But I think part of it might be that he knows she doesn't like him back."

"So you think he did this to get back at her for something she didn't even do? I don't know about that I don't think Beau would be that shallow."

"You don't know him like I do. But maybe you're right. I don't have any concrete proof that this is some kind of personal vendetta, but it's something to think about and possibly consider. Because obviously I'd rather avoid going to the school board if this whole thing can be settled some other way. He's a good friend of mine," he says sincerely, playing with his straw. "I completely understand," I say, and I follow his gaze. He's looking at my hand over his. I take it back right away, I didn't even know I did that. "Hey I'm not complaining." He smiles. "How's your shake?"

"Cold, strawberry-like." I tell him, smiling, "How's your burger?"  
"Grilled to perfection. It's even better than usual because I have most awesome company." I'm pretty sure I blush and look away. Then I see a coffee shop across the street through the window. It isn't the one that James is at, but it reminds me of him and I feel guilty again. Nathan's phone rings and he looks at it and rolls his eyes. "Sorry, I have to get this, don't go anywhere." And he gets up and walks outside. I fiddle with my straw and slowly sip my shake. I still remember meeting Nathan.

It was after Tyler's accident. Nathan and his house members did a lot for Tyler and my friends and I all appreciated it. But I didn't trust them. I'm not sure why, because every single one of them went out of their way to be nice to us. They explained that it was part of their Greek society to be that way with people, nice, helpful, and all-inclusive. It's admirable, sure, and I think all my friends fell for it, including my incredibly smart boyfriend. Something just didn't sit right with me. And to be honest, it still doesn't. There is still something about them that I think they aren't telling me. But then again, they've all bent over backwards to help us, especially Nathan. He took me out and then let me sleep in his bed a week ago when I had that massive fight with James. So I owe them, and Nathan, the benefit of the doubt. I glance at the clock and it says 8:40. I take one more sip of my milkshake and stand up just as Nathan walks in. "Is it that time already?" He asks me. He shrugs and puts a hundred dollar bill on the table. My eyes grow wide. "Isn't that a little much?" I ask, "The bill was under twenty." He shrugs again, "The change from a twenty would have been too small of a tip, and the next bill I had was a hundred." He says it like it's just no big deal, but he must see the surprise on my face. "What? I like to tip big. I can spare it," he says, motioning for me to walk in front of him. "Shall we?" He says. In the car on the way home, I'm constantly checking the clock and then looking back at the window. Nathan notices my anxiety. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, it's not that."

"I'm sorry if bringing you out will cause problems with your boyfriend."

"It shouldn't, it's just that we've been fighting so much I really don't want to add anything to fuel it, you know?" He puts a hand on my shoulder, and my skin tingles at his touch. "I totally understand. But at least let me walk you to your door. We've still got five minutes to spare." I nodded and stepped out. I hadn't even noticed we'd arrived. Nathan walks me to the apartment door and I turn to face him. He stands uncomfortably close, but then notices my discomfort and backs away. "I was going to hug you, but you looked like you weren't sure about it."

"Oh, well don't be ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with a hug between friends" I tell him. He holds me tight, his hands at the small of my back. I don't want to let go, I have to force myself to. "Good night Nathan." I tell him as I open my door and shut it behind me. "Good night" I hear him say, muffled through the sound of the door. I listen to his footsteps walk away and slump against the door.

I have to do something about this. I feel myself developing feelings for him but I can't. James is good to me and I love him, I don't want to leave him, but there's just something about Nathan that I can't shake. I wish I had someone I could talk to about all this, but all my friends are James' friends too. I don't know if I could trust them not to say anything. I know that if James felt some way about some other girl I would want to know about it, so that I could reevaluate the relationship. No, I couldn't tell anyone. I sat down on the couch and gulped down the rest of my wine, then James walked through the door. "Hey," he says, noticing my empty glass. "Been here all night?"

"Yup," I tell him, "There's a crown and flame marathon you know."

"Ah, so that's why you didn't want to come with me. I understand." He kisses me on the forehead and says, "allow me to refill this", grabbing my glass. He heads into the kitchen and I wince.

 _Why did I lie? I didn't do anything wrong!_

James comes back and sits down with me. We finish one episode when I tell him I just want to go to bed. "Yeah I'm kinda tired too. Go ahead, I'll be in in a second."

"Okay, I tell him." I change into my earlier wardrobe and get into bed, leaving the light on for him. He comes in and takes off his shirt and pants, leaving on his socks and boxers, and climbs into bed. He rolls over on top of me in order to turn out the light on the nightstand beside me. Then he says softly, "Remind me tomorrow to tell you what happened at my meeting tonight, I think you'll be very happy." He nibbles on my earlobe, then kisses my neck, then jawline, and finally my lips. I kiss him back, and he reaches his hand underneath my shirt and grasps my shoulder blade underneath me. I moan into his mouth, "Ummm", and he stops and looks at me. "Not tonight," I tell him, "I've had a tough day, I'm sorry." He kisses me on the forehead. "No worries baby, get some rest." He turns over and goes to sleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow. I turn over to the other side and stare at the opposite wall. When I close my eyes, all I see is Nathan.


	2. Chapter 2

Birds are chirping and the sun is shining through my bedroom window, and the smell of bacon fills the house. It's finally Saturday, so I don't have classes. I close my eyes again and think about letting myself fall back asleep, but I feel like writing today so I make myself get up. After seeing it would be warm out, I decide to dress in the outfit I wore out last night, since I only wore it for an hour and it's nice and cool. I go into the living room and James flips a pancake up in the air then catches it with the pan he's holding. I laugh. "Good morning! I was hoping to bring you breakfast in bed since I know you had a rough day but it looks like I wasn't fast enough." I laugh and kiss him on the cheek. "You're amazing, you know that?"

"I think you've told me once or twice before."

By the time I finish doing my hair, James is already at the table with breakfast. I take a bite of the scrambled eggs he prepared. "So, what's this big news?" I ask. He wipes his face with a napkin, swallows his food and clears his throat. "Well, the editor really liked my story. He thinks in a couple of months it'll be ready to publish."

"Really, already? That's pretty fast. It usually takes at least a year." I tell him.

"Yeah I was surprised too. But this is great news. Once this book sells and I have the royalties from all three of my books, I think I'll have enough money to make a down payment on a house. This is probably six months to a year down the line, but it's going to happen eventually."

"That's great! I love that you're so excited about it. But do you really want a house right away? I mean we just moved in here…" I tell him. His mood seems to shift. "Well yeah, but the goal was always to get a house. Apartments aren't meant to be lived in forever. Eventually you're supposed to own a home."

"Who says?" And I regret the question. I'm arguing for no reason.

"Have I done something to offend you?"

"No, not at all. I just don't see the need for the rush."

"Well, it's not a rush. Like I said, it would be six months to a year in the future. I don't know why you're acting so freaked. You already live with me you would just be living with me in a bigger space."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I'm stressed and I think I'm taking it out on you."

"What's on your mind? Maybe I can help. I'm free today, why don't we plan a date to the park or something?"

"I was hoping to get some time alone to write today," I tell him, but I see the look of disappointment and I speak up again, "…but I'd love to do something tonight if you're able."

"Why don't we go to dinner? A new Italian place just opened up not far from here and I've been dying to try it out. What do you think?"

"Yeah, that sounds amazing. I can meet you back here at six?"

"Yeah, that's perfect."

We mostly chat about classes over the rest of our breakfast, and I volunteer to clean the dishes since James decided to go to the gym. Once they've all been cleaned, I grab my backpack and head to Hartfeld's library to write.

Not many people know it, but Hartfeld's got a lot of hidden spots that are perfect for someone to write in. Most students use those spots, if they're available, to take a nap, but they make the most perfect little writing nooks to me. Almost like my old bedroom at Vasquez's house last year.

I sit down and take out my laptop. I'm supposed to work on a midterm essay for one of my classes, but being a writer at heart, I give up on it after a few minutes and decide to just write what's on my mind. And what's on my mind is Nathan. I write about the day I met him, my opinion of him and the rest of Alpha Theta Mu, and then I write about my developing feelings for him. Since I can't tell anyone how I feel, I think writing it down is the next best thing. Maybe by getting it out on paper I can get over this crush faster.

Someone walks up behind me and massages my shoulders. I freeze, thinking it might be Nathan. His name is all over my computer screen since I've been writing about him. Luckily when I spin around, I am relieved to see Zack. "Oh, you scared me."

"Sorry. What are you doing up here? This is a nap spot only." He says, laughing. I shake my head. "No way dude, this is a writing nook."

"Well since I won't be able to nap with you typing away, maybe I can join you?" He asks me, and I motion for him to sit down across from me. I go back to typing on my computer screen, but the silence doesn't last very long. "All right girl," Zack says, "I've been waiting for you to bring it up, but it's taking too long." I stop typing and look at him. _He knows_ , I think to myself. "I saw Nathan's name all over your 'story', so spill."

I'm proud of my quick thinking. "It's no big deal Zack, I'm writing about Junior year, like I wrote about Freshman and Sophomore year. This chapter is about Nathan." He buys my lie, but then I wonder if maybe Zack is the person to talk to about all this. He's always been super loyal to me and I trust him. "Can I ask you a question, Zack, hypothetically?" I say, closing the cover of my laptop till it clicks shut. "Absolutely. Hypothetically," he says, winking at me. "Have you ever had a crush on someone else while you were dating Brandon or Grant?"

He thinks about it a second. "Well, yeah, kind of."

"Really?" I say, sounding more relieved than I was hoping to let on.

"This isn't hypothetical, is it?" Zack asks. I sigh.

"I love James, you know that. He means everything to me, and I have no intention of breaking things off. But lately I've kinda had a thing for Nathan." Zack laughs. "Who _doesn't_ have a thing for Nathan? He's just so perfect," Zack says. "Don't worry Jen Jen, you've got nothing to worry about. It's perfectly normal to find other people attractive while you're with someone."

"It never happened to me before."

"Well, you and James have been together for almost two years. It would be weird if you didn't find at least one other person attractive during that time period. I mean, we're only human. Don't worry though, it fades away eventually. I think it's just part of being young. What's important is that you love James and you know in your heart that you would never cheat on him."

"You're right. I don't know what I've been so worried about. It's not like I'm going to hook up with Nathan or anything, I haven't even thought of that. I just think he's hot." I laugh, then Zack joins in. "Girl get in line." I stand up and squeeze Zack. "You're the best friend a girl could ask for. You don't know how much this has been bugging me."

"No worries, anytime."

Zack stays with me a little while longer and we talk about a little gazebo that he and Grant are building at the community center for community service, and I talk about my book and about living with James. The entire time he's with me I'm not so worried anymore, about Nathan, James, Claire, or anything. It's almost like I have some temporary peace. But Zack doesn't stay forever, and when he leaves, I feel only slightly better than I did before he showed up.

I finally get around to writing my midterm, and I'm just about done with it around 2pm, when I get a text from Abbie. "Going shopping, want to come?"

"Hell yeah. Just what I need."

"Awesome! Meet you outside the shop by the theatre."

I finish up my midterm and meet with Abbie.

"What made you decide to come shopping today," I ask her. "I'm supposed to go with Tyler next weekend to dinner with his parents, I guess they're coming to town for the weekend. I don't know if I'll have the time to shop during the school week."

"Well let's get you into something amazing then! Got to impress the parents", I tell her.

I decide to try on a few things too for my date with James, and I found a form-fitting white dress that is perfect. It's the only color dress that I don't have, and it's conservative but sexy at the same time. It's perfect, and it's on sale, so I use the money I save to buy a cute necklace that I think goes well with it. It's nickel-plated gold with rhinestones and it goes beautifully with the dress. Abbie has a much harder time finding something to match her tastes, but eventually she comes out in a sparkly dark green dress that accentuates all her features and looks absolutely perfect on her. "Wow," I say, bewildered. "That dress was made for you!"

"It was! It fits perfectly in all the right places, I don't think a dress has ever fit me better! I'm buying it," she says, walking back to the fitting room. "If you don't, I'll buy it for you," I say.

After our successful shopping trip, Abbie and I part ways, both with our new dresses. I get home just after four, and I slip into my dress, find some matching shoes, refresh my hair, and do my makeup. I walk into the living room, "Ready when you are," I tell him. He mutes the television and looks me up and down, "Wow, you look so beautiful."

"Thank you," I say, smiling at him. He turns off the television, and offers me his arm, and we head off on our date to the restaurant.


	3. Chapter 3

"Reservation for 2" James tells the maître d'. The waiter takes us over to a small table set for two with a lovely centerpiece made of white wildflowers, with a bottle of wine already set out in a bucket and two long-stem wine classes next to it. We happened to get the table by the fireplace, which provided a charming ambience. James really thinks of everything. He pulls out my chair and I sit down. "Well, what do you think so far?" He asks me. I look around, "It reminds me a lot of the place we first went to dinner with your parents where you told them we were engaged." He laughs, "It kinda does huh? That was a fun night. You should have seen the look on your face when I asked you to pretend."

"I thought you hated me."

"No, I never would have hated you. I guess I was just protective over Vasquez, and maybe a tiny bit jealous. But it's no doubt one of the best things that has ever happened to me because now I have you." I smile. "If that's your way of saying 'I love you', then I love you too James." The waiter takes our orders but forgets to pour our wine, so James takes it upon himself to do it. "Why did you ever go along with it?" He asks.  
"With what?"

"Pretending to be my fiancée. I wasn't exactly very nice to you when I first met you. So what on Earth made you want to help me out?"

"You know what I'm not sure, I never really thought about it. I guess I thought it might be fun."

James and I were having a wonderful time on our date, until the very end. While waiting for our check, I saw a familiar face come in and sit down with a girl. It was Nathan, and he had who I could only assume was a date with him. I felt jealous. I had no reason to. I was sitting across from the love of my life, the man of my dreams, so I should be happy that my friend Nathan was happy too. I should be happy that he has a date. But I'm not, and I hate that about myself. James catches my eyes adrift and turns around. "Oh, well what a coincidence." He looks like he wants to say something, but it's an upscale pace so James just waves once Nathan makes eye contact with him. "I wonder who is with him?"

"I don't know," I say. "I didn't even know he was seeing anybody."

On the ride home, James makes an unexpected turn, but eventually I recognize where we are. The hilltop we stopped at after our first or second date, considering whether the fake date counted or not. The date where he so gentlemanly told me he wanted to take it slow because he liked me. My heart skips a beat. "I haven't been up here since…"

"Since our one year anniversary last year. I know. I know it's not quite our two year anniversary yet. But, I feel like I haven't been a good boyfriend since you've moved in, so I thought you deserved an extra special night."

"James, you didn't have to do this…"

"Nonsense," he says, unbuckling his seatbelt and walking around to open my door for me. He holds out his hand to help me out of the car, then he puts me up on the car hood and he goes to the other side, and we lie next to each other gazing at the stars and city lights beneath us. "You never did tell me what's been bothering you. Is it me? School?"

I couldn't exactly tell him everything. I was ashamed of the Claire thing, so I couldn't tell him that. And there's no way I could tell him about the Nathan thing either. But I also couldn't just say nothing without pushing him away. "I guess it's a lot. Things are just happening so fast I feel like I'm watching a movie of my life instead of living it. I feel like I'm losing control." He takes my hand in his.

"It's stress. It's normal. You're under a whole lot of pressure. And I hate to tell you, but it'll be even worse next year. But then you'll graduate, and you'll land an awesome job and you'll be happy and it will have all been worth it." He keeps looking at his watch. "It should be starting now", he says, looking up. I look up with him and see a multitude of shooting stars, "A meteor shower?" I ask him. He nods. "Perseids."

"It's beautiful" I tell him, and I lean over and kiss him. He pulls me halfway on top of him and holds me there, one arm under me and the other stroking my arm. And we sit and watch the meteor shower, and I almost forget about Nathan, but not quite.

The next morning I wake up and stretch my arm over to see that James isn't there, and I hear the shower running. I stretch, then hear my phone ping. It's a text from Nathan. "Sorry about not saying hello to you last night, I didn't want to be rude to my date."

"I didn't know you were seeing anyone"

"I'm not, I mean we're just dating, we're not exclusive or anything."

It shouldn't, but that statement gave me some relief. I didn't have anything to say, so I wasn't going to respond. But as soon as I closed out my message screen, he sent another one.

"You looked amazing by the way."

"Thanks."

"James is a lucky guy."

"Well, I'm a lucky girl," I tell him. Then I put my phone down, I'm not interested in hearing anything else he has to say. I turn over in bed and start thinking. James isn't the only one at fault for the problems we're having in our relationship, I am too. Last night he went out of his way to show me he still loved me and that our relationship mattered more to him than petty differences that we have. But I haven't been a very good girlfriend. I ran out on him during our last fight and didn't let him know I was okay until the following day. I'm keeping secrets from him and pushing him away. But I can't tell him about Claire or Nathan, I'm too ashamed. Still, I have to find a way to show him I still love him too.

I remember the other night when he started kissing me and I pushed him away. I don't even remember the last time we were together in that way, but I know we haven't been together in awhile because of all the stupid little fights. I strip off my clothes and tip-toe into the bathroom, careful not to alarm him. When I see him in the shower, he's washing his back, his muscles flexing with every movement of his arm. I open the shower door and step in behind him. He turns his head around. "I'm glad it's you. I thought I'd have to fight off a robber naked."

"And soapy," I add, chuckling. He nods in agreement and laughs, "and soapy…Is everything okay?" He asks me. I step closer to him. I'm standing behind him and I wrap my arms around him from behind his back. "You know that I love you right?"

"Of course," he says, turning around to face me. He kisses me, softly at first, then when I lean in, more deeply and passionately. His hands move down, feeling every inch of the small of my back. As our kiss gets deeper, he gently shoves me to the shower wall, and moves his lips down from mine, to my earlobe, neck, and then collarbone. I wrap my arms around his back and grasp his shoulder blades with my hands while he lifts up one of my legs and wraps it around him. I move my lips to his, forcing him to kiss me again while we move together in sync. Steaming water makes it an even more sensual experience. Eventually we move faster and faster, and he makes sure I'm satisfied before he pulls out and finishes. He then uses his hand to tilt my face up to meet his and kisses me one more time. Then he looks in my eyes and says, "I love you too."

After our shower, I feel a lot better. Through the entire experience I was thinking only of him, not of Nathan, and suddenly I feel much less guilty. Maybe Zack was right. I'm in love with James. Nathan is just a silly crush. It won't last. James and I have breakfast and coffee together and I lounge on the couch watching tv while he reads the newspaper. I get another text message. "How was your date with James?"

"Hey Abbie. It was great ;D"

"Ooh I know what that means. It's been awhile for Tyler and I. Kinda hoping this weekend goes as good as planned."

"Lol, I'm sure it will."

As soon as I put down my phone, I get another message and pick it up again. James sets his paper down "Someone's popular today. Who is it?" If it were literally anybody else, I would have told him without thinking twice about it. But because it was Nathan, I got a little defensive, and that made me upset again. "Just Abbie. Hey I think I'm gonna go work on some of my writing in the library, I'll catch you later."

"Oh, sure. That's a good idea, I think I'll do some of that here. But we should get together tonight to binge watch some Netflix."

"I'm down" I say, as I walk out the door.

But I don't go to the library. I go to Alpha Theta Mu. I knock on their door and Beau answers, "Look, if this is about Claire," he begins, until I put up my hand, "It's not. I need to talk to Nathan, it's important." He looks surprised, but steps aside. Uh, sure, he should be upstairs. I go up and when I turn the corner into the hallway where his room is I see him come out of the bathroom door, shirtless, his waist wrapped in a towel. He's drying his hair with another towel, and the water is beading down his chest, soaking into the towel where it sits on his hips. He catches me looking. "Like what you see?" That snaps me out of it. I grab hold of his hand and take him to his room and shut the door.

"Alright, this has to stop Nathan."

"What?"

"This endless flirtation. You know I have a boyfriend and it's obvious that you're dating other women so we both need to be respectful of them."

"I don't know what you're talking about. What's wrong with harmless flirtation?" I take a deep breath and force myself to be brutally honest. "It isn't harmless to me." I say. "Wait, you mean, you have feelings for me?" He says.

"Maybe. But I love James, and I want to be with him, I don't want to be with you, so please respect that and stop making things so damn hard for me." Nathan swallows hard. "Uh, I'm sorry Jen, I didn't mean for things to get out of hand. I'm just a flirtatious guy." Suddenly I feel embarrassed. "Oh, that's it?" He senses my humiliation. "Oh no, believe me, I do like you too. But I know you're with someone, that's why I've been dating too, because I know I can't have you. I wouldn't want to mess up your relationship at all. But it's hard to see you with someone else. You're amazing, one of the coolest, most fun girls I've ever met. So it's hard not to tell you how amazing you are on a daily basis." I take a deep breath. Part of me wants to push him on his bed and rip off his clothes, but part of me wants to slap him for doing exactly what I didn't want him to do, make it harder than it has to be for me. "See, you're making it hard. You can't tell me things like that." He looks at me longingly, but nods his head. "I understand. But tell me, does James know what he has? Does he tell you how amazing you are?"

"He does, and he shows me."

"Well, I guess as long as he's good to you."

"So, you'll stop?"

"Does this mean we can't be friends?"

"No, it just means we can't be friends who flirt and have milkshake dates at burger joints."

He laughs. "Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to go so far."


	4. Chapter 4

I hadn't heard from Nathan in awhile, so when I got his text on Thanksgiving, my heart jumped. Just hearing happy thanksgiving from him meant the world to me. Sebastian noticed my joy. I don't know why I told him who it was. I easily could have told him it was my mom or sister or something of the sort. But I didn't. I told him it was Nathan, after he just confessed how he felt about Alpha Theta Mu. I saw the regret in his face. "There's no reason to worry. You know you're our friend, and you were our friend before they were. And you were Tyler's friend for a long time, and he cares about you." He still seems unconvinced. I grab him by the shoulder. "Sebastian, look, you're here. With us, on Thanksgiving. They're not. You're one of us now whether Alpha likes it or not." At this, some of the worry spread across his face seemed to fade. "Come on," I tell him, "We should be getting back."

I take my place next to James at the dinner table and he places his hand on my thigh. I put my left hand on top of his and my right hand on the table as we listen to Sebastian's rules for playing the game while we wait for the pies to cook. It goes off without a hitch, and it's nice for the group to see Sebastian so passionate about something. I think he may have even forgotten about the existence of Nathan and Beau and the rest of the frarority. Before long, the pies ding, and I kiss James' hand after removing it from my leg. "I'm going to help Abbie with the pies." He nods and I follow her into the kitchen.

I don't know how I didn't see it before, on my first trip to the kitchen with Sebastian, but I notice a picture of Abbie and Tyler. Something is off about it. "Abbie? Is this the weekend that you had dinner with Tyler's family?"

"Yeah."

"Where's the dress you bought? Why didn't you wear it? It fit you perfectly."

"It _did._ " She laughs. "It doesn't now. I think I went a little crazy with the Halloween candy." A thought crosses my mind, but no, Abbie is smarter than that. I drop the subject and pick up an oven mitt, and carry one of the pies out while Abbie carries out the other one. The night comes to a close and we all go home. When we get home, James pours himself a neat whisky and asks if I want a nightcap. "Sure, I'd love some wine if you don't mind." James pours me a glass of Pinot Grigio and plops down on the couch next to me, opening his laptop and setting aside his whiskey. I put a leg over his lap, distracting him from his work. "What are you working on?"

"I was just gonna do some editing. Of course, if you had something else in mind…"

"Actually, I was kind of hoping we could watch some tv together. It's been awhile since we've binge watched the Crown and The Flame."

He smiles and extends his arm, and I lean against him, nuzzling his shoulder, and we sat for hours enjoying each other's presence.

All good things must come to an end, though, and thanksgiving break is over before we know it. We return to school on the first of December, and the temporary satisfaction I felt with James quickly dissolves. Back with the added stress of my classes, Nathan, and writing my book, and James' work, we start fighting again. Sometimes I feel like we just fight for the hell of it. When it gets bad, sometimes I think of moving out, like Abbie did. But that almost completely destroyed their relationship. If I move out on James, I may as well end our relationship, and I don't want to. My mind and heart yearns for the past, when we lived separately and every moment I was with him I was excited.

I love James, but I never feel that excitement anymore. Our romantic love has become a comfortable, attachment love, at least on my end. And I'm not sure if it's salvageable. I start to entertain the idea that maybe he and I aren't meant to be together, but then rationally, we have everything in common. The only person I really talk to about these feelings is Zack, who does a good job of constantly reassuring me that what I'm feeling is normal, and will pass. Still, the stress of it all and the guilt for having feelings for Nathan weighs on me and makes me depressed. James' inability to reach me angers him, which in turn makes him and I both fight more.

Sunday, December 17th arrives, and I wake up to two different text messages on my phone. One is from Becca. "Hey! What are we doing tonight for your birthday? You'll turn 21 at midnight! We have to go to a bar or something! Let me know." Another from Nathan, "Throwing a party at the frarority tonight- in your honor. Well, that's not entirely true. I mean there'll be a party, and if you show up, I'll toast you at midnight." He sends a wink emoji after that. James wakes up and rolls over, seeing me on my phone. "Good morning", he says, stretching. I briefly glance in his direction and mutter a small greeting back at him. He looks upset by my lack of interest in him. "Guess I'll make breakfast, what would you like?"

"Actually, I told Abbie I'd meet her for coffee this morning. Do you want to come?" I think he senses my desire that he doesn't, and he says he has something to do and can't make it, and tells me to have fun. After breakfast, he's out the door. He leaves while I'm doing my makeup and hair, and the only reason I know he left is because I hear him lock the door behind him. Neither of us tell eachother goodbye.

I arrive to the café before Abbie, so I order myself my usual and sit down. When she comes in, she doesn't look like the same person. The color is drained from her face, and she looks as if she's been crying. Immediately I set my coffee down on the table in front of me, and get up to face her. I stretch my arms out and she holds my embrace for a long time. When she finally sits down, she takes a breath and tells me, "I'm pregnant."

I place my hand over my mouth in disbelief. "Oh no." Is the only thing I can manage to say.

"That's why my dress didn't fit right, that's why I skipped pie at the Thanksgiving dinner, and that's why I've been so distant."

"When did you find out?"

"In a way, last week, when my test read positive. But I went to the doctor yesterday and they told me it was 100%."

"Oh my god."

"I don't understand. I did everything right. I'm on the pill, I take it at the same time every day. I don't know what to do. If I was a senior, then it might be okay because I'd have graduated before the baby comes, but I still have another year of school."

"Did you talk to Tyler?"

"Not yet. I'm scared. It's going to ruin his life, like it's ruined mine."

"You have options, you know."

"Yeah I know. And I'm considering them, believe me. But it's not an easy choice to make."

"I'm sure it's not. But I'm here for you, and I'm willing to help in any way I can, even if it's just for moral support."

"I think what I want to do now is just not think about it for awhile. Please, let's talk about something else."

"What would you like to talk about?"

"I don't care. Tell me about your birthday plans."

"I'm not sure. I know James will want to take me out to dinner tomorrow for my actual birthday. Tonight I can go to the bar with Becca or go to a frarority party at the Alpha Theta Mu house."

Just then, as if on cue, I receive a text message. "Guess what?! Madison's entire sorority will be at Alpha Theta Mu tonight, and they've convinced other fraternities and sororities to attend too. They want to make it big, since it's their version of a Christmas party." I show Abbie the message. She nods her head decisively. "You _have_ to go."

And I'm excited. Partially because it's going to be the party of the century, but also because I'll be able to see Nathan, and hear his toast. Then I feel guilty because I remember that James will be there too.


End file.
